How to Tip Your Bartender (realistically)

I’m spoiled. I work in Oregon where the minimum wage for everyone is $8.50 an hour. Gasp! go my midwestern friends, because we know that servers and bartenders only make anywhere between $2.50 to $6.00 an hour. Regardless, here is an unnuanced version on how to tip your bartender.

You’re in for a quick after-work-drink. The friendly bartender greets you but there is minimal conversation.

$1.00 per drink.(Your laundry money change is UNACCEPTABLE)

You buy a round of time-consuming-shots, like an Irish Car Bomb, and immediately close out your tab. No conversation with bartender necessary.

5 shots = $3 automatic

10 shots = $5

15+=$7-$10

20 or more = $15-$20—you asshole.

There is a decent amount of talking. The bartender is of the opposite sex and even throws you a free shot or beer.

$5 minimum, no matter what you order.

More than 3 drinks equals a $7 dollar tip.

You work in the service industry already, the bartender doesn’t know this, and treats you pretty well.

(The tip is your call, but it better be decent)

You’re so drunk that you don’t remember closing your tab. The bar doesn’t have automatic 18%  gratuity. You forgot to tip.

Unless you drop off cash the next day so your probably still drunk ass can get your card–then congratulations, you’re a bonafide cocksucker and unless you tip really well the next time you’re there, you will be remembered disdainfully and be given mediocre, if not terrible, service. Dick.

The bartender cut you off. Probably because you drank too much and started acting like an asshole. Recent example: Guy is so drunk that he asks the bartender to refresh a beer he hasn’t finished and then acts like he/she is stupid for not understanding what the fuck he’s talking about. He drips Coors Light all over his suit jacket. Then he asks the girl next to him for a “small kiss.” When she kindly refuses, he throws a fit. “Fuck you, this place is stupid anyway.”

Don’t bother to tip, the bartender will add it for you. Automatic 20% for being a total cocksucking moneybags fuck. Now leave the bar. Get the fuck out. If you still want action, call a prostitute. Be prepared to be unable to perform and wake up with a few hundred dollars less in your trust fund. Most likely your bartender is pretty cool and they’ll give a second chance when you show up again.

The bartender is a total snatchface. He/she is too cool to refill your shit or help you in any other way.

You give them nothing if they don’t at least ask you if you want another before you leave that shithole.

$2 max otherwise.