How to Sell your Home in a Flailing Economy on Craigslist
June 6, 2011 § Leave a comment
Be Creative. Your house has many assets and perks. Highlight them. Draw attention to the crevices. Bring light to the shadows.
Write an Ad for Craigslist:
Are you a Serial Killer?
Homicidal maniacs, psychopaths, murderers, suburban death squads (or sobriquet of your preference) are all invited to check out this local, organic Last House on the Right…of a cul-de-sac, no less, in none-too-quaint small-town Minnesota.
The four-acre plot:
- Dozens of trees to shade your nightly habits (All quiet on the Northwestern front is a guarantee!)
- 1 Swamp—corpses are easily mummified in peat
- 2 Wood Sheds—one for stacking and one for sawing (be aware that one has better acoustics than the other)
- 1 Garage (with rafters!)
- 1 broke down mini van comes free for extra “storage”
- 4 acres of your own personal cemetery
- 1 personal sewage tank underground in the back yard (disguises whatever noxious smells you may induce)
The first floor of the house is all white, ceramic tile flooring for easier cleanup and a fireplace to boot! And there are, not three, but five bedrooms for every stage of torture you’d like to arrange. Start small, but aim big–H.H. Holmes 1893 Chicago World’s Fair big.
The Neighborhood: White, suburban, upper-middle class families with plenty of children to go around for those of you partial to morsels rather than meals. Trust me, these people won’t be missed. Just two miles down the road police found body parts in a field—and three years later they haven’t a clue.
Your Street: One of the neighbors on the street deals meth or heroin or something—I’m sure you two can shake on something mutually beneficial. The other neighbors are old, cranky, half-deaf, blind, rat-poisoning dog killers who hate children. The last thing they’ll be is meddlesome. The local law enforcement accepts CASH only. Make sure you bargain, they’re none too bright (aforementioned anonymous body parts).
Appraised at 180,000: a great deal in hard economic times, especially considering the suburban boom. Make the ‘Burbs come to life again! Give ’em something to gossip about.
Together we can transform Minnesota into the new “We Eat People” state! Twins/Brewers, Vikings/Packers, Gophers/Badgers—let the rivalries continue and the body count rise…for real this time.
Disclaimer: This is a rough draft.