How to Cut Off Your Friends From Drinking (without them noticing)

August 4, 2011 § Leave a comment

Everyone has the one, or rather two, three, four, five friends who don’t know when they’ve had one too many Vodka Tonics. Hell we’ve all been that friend at some point. They embarrass you. They give away your phone number for you. They try to play matchmaker and set you up with people you don’t know and are not interested in, or worse they pick fights with strangers and insult people they have never met. They become a sobbing machine. They like to think that they are so sly that the bartender won’t notice if they sneak around the bar and pour themselves a beer–and then you all get kicked out. “Fuck that place,” they say, “let’s go somewhere else.”

On to the next bar where they scream “PIZZA NOW!” at the top of their lungs. They get upset if the Phillies their baseball team loses an incredibly unimportant game and scream at the TV. They fight you when you try to get them away from the 50 something or older man who keeps saying, while patting their shit faced bottom, “What’s young and what’s old? Age is only a number.”

You’re right old man, age is only a number. And as far as your duty as a friend is concerned, the most important number, is the thread count of those nasty-ass sheets they will wake to, face first and drooling if they don’t get their faded ass into that cab that’s waiting ASAP.

Here are some tips to cut off your friends when you feel they are just too drunk to hack it.

If you’re the one accompanying your friend on their slutty, drunken rampage:

  • Try to convince the bartender to do all of the below without directly telling your friend that they’re cut off. No one likes to be cut off.
  • Tell them you’re leaving and go to another bar.
  • Take a cab, drop them off first, and go back to the bar.
  • Take pictures of them doing things you know they’ll regret and show them the pictures the next day. This is a guaranteed self-guilt cut-off for at least a couple of days.
  • Ask the bartender to straight up fucking cut them off. Tip them well because your friend probably won’t.
  • Tell the guy at the end of the bar that your friend thinks he’s really cute and that she’s just really shy. Make sure you buy the suffering bastard a nice drink.
  • Call their boyfriend or girlfriend to come pick them up.
  • Take their cash out of their wallet so they can’t/won’t buy the next drink. Replace it right before they leave (coat pocket, purse, floor, etc.)

If you’re the one behind the bar:

The basic tricks:

  • Give them food.
  • Give them water.
  • Give them cigarettes.

The awesome tricks:

  • If your friend is paying with a credit card: Tell your friend at some point that your boss is likely to come in and you need to “authorize” their credit card to open a tab so he/she doesn’t think you’re dodging “the rules.” Swipe it, run it, and then tell them it declined. Hopefully they’ll get worried about their money and leave. Wink at them and tell them you got their drinks covered (hell, you were gonna throw them a few anyway) If they ask you later why it went through, shrug and say, “I dunno, credit cards are flaky sometimes.” They will nod and agree. Everyone has had a credit card issue and they will be thankful that their card “declined” in front of a friend and saved them the embarrassment of not having money for a stranger.
  • Slowly lessen the amount of booze in their drinks to almost zero.
  • What if they comment on the taste? If they sip their drinks through a straw, dip the end of the straw in their chosen alcohol but don’t put much in their drinks. If they drink without straws, float some alcohol on top. This way the first thing to hit their lips is the burning of a strong drink.
  • Tell them you made their drinks with Top-Shelf alcohol and that’s why they can’t taste the astringent, grain alcohol you have for well liquor. Only the best for your buddies. “If my boss found out I’d get fired for sure.”
  • Mix their beer with lemonade and tell them that “Shandy’s made with Mike’s Hard Lemonade are super popular right now.”
  • Write something down in your the bar’s log book (if you have one, and you should) while staring directly at your friend and “the hidden camera in the corner.” This will instill a sense of paranoia.
  • Tell them their tab is much higher than it actually is. “I served you like 12 beers, dude. Man, can you drink.” This will make them feel awesome and think that they could maybe hold back a little if they don’t want to black out right away.
  • Tell your other friends that it’s time  for so-and-so to leave and it’s best to go quietly.

The most important thing is to make your friend feel like they still had a good night. Of course, there are circumstances where nothing much else can be done but to tell them to stop being an asshole.

These notions could brand me as the friend to never go out drinking with OR I’ll be a party-saver for those who can handle their booze.

You’re Welcome.

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