January 24, 2011 § Leave a comment
Group interview. When spoken aloud, this phrase explodes at over 130 decibels and leaves irreversible damage to my tympanic membrane.
I arrive at Buffalo Wild Wings. I’m wearing a black turtleneck, gray slacks (Calvin Klein) and some inexpensive-looking, but actually very expensive, shoes.
I am the only person at the interview not wearing jeans. If I had known that this interview was a microcosm of Casual Friday, I would have worn my Chase Utley t-shirt and my Phillies hat, not the standard red cap with an embroidered white “P,” but the spring training model. My regular hat is flat-brimmed and of course I want to look casual, not gangsta.
There are two women that are about to interview the five of us: one male and four women (I guarantee I’m the only one over 25). Quickly, I discover that I am the only one with bar-tending and serving experience.
Mr. Male immediately stands out because he can’t stop cracking jokes from the second everyone sits down and the interviewers are eating up his cheesy witticisms, chewing on them thoughtfully, and thinking “we’ve already picked our guy, but for the sake of democracy, let’s interview these other suckers anyway.”
I have often been criticized for looking too serious and not smiling enough. Well, for the longest time I was hyper-conscious of my “bad” teeth and didn’t feel like cracking a mouth full of them for strangers. As for my serious look? I have yet to hear that pensiveness, “thinking before you speak,” and ultimate sangfroid are part of any employer’s nightmarish acid trails.
The second woman interviewer, who is around my age and resembles me in appearance, is far more surly looking and unkempt than I could ever be and her reticence suggests that she hates working at Buffalo Wild Wings.
The interviewers herald BW3’s as a place where you have to love sports. No shit. They ask everyone in the interview about their favorite team, except me. Why? Probably because I’m the only one that dressed appropriately.
Girl 1: I dunno, I guess any Portland State team. Gotta support the school, ya know.
Girl 2: I guess, like, I like all types of sports.
Guy: I like the Minnesota Vikings, I mean, I’ve always kind of rooted for them.
Me: I’m really excited about Philadelphia Phillies playoff potential and whether Roy Halladay can prove his worth in his first post-season game ever. It’s unfortunate that they traded Cliff Lee, if they had him this year they truly would have an all-star starting rotation. Did I mention that I don’t care for the Eagles new quarterback, Kevin Kolb. If it were my choice, Michael Vick would start. I don’t care if he electrocuted dogs, as far as I’m concerned, he did his time. Is he at fault? Of course, but there are other professional athletes who have done far worse things–to people.
Oh wait, they decided to NOT ask me.
How do I know dude got the job? I saw him bar-tending through the window while I was wandering around two months later dropping off resumes, sobbing as my tears splashed on the edges of my downtrodden soul.
Crying? Machines don’t cry.